"One must still have chaos in oneself in order to
give birth to a dancing star."
~Nietzche
So reads the magnet on my fridge. I've looked at it almost every day for the past 5 years. I picked up the magnet at Border's at a time when I could feel myself striving for control at every turn. I fought to be in total command of my emotions, my circumstances, and my thoughts at all times. And I hated it. I picked up the magnet and stuck it in the middle of my fridge, and thought of it as my mantra. I wanted to evolve into someone who was okay with the madness of everyday life. To be someone who not only embraced a lack of emotional control, but to actually celebrate it.
I can - with much gratitude - say that I have arrived. I often feel like my insides are in chaos. I listen to NPR in the morning and in one minute, feel total angst about the news of another disaster in the middle east, and in the next minute feel uplifted in hearing about a new scientific study that will improve many lives. I play "trucks" with River and fall in love with his sweet sense of humor. Then I see how he runs pigeon-toed and feel guilty that I've failed to do the stretches that would help his hips loosen. I tell myself I will eat just this one brownie because gosh-darnit I've earned it. Then I tell myself I will get a gym membership. Tomorrow. I call a friend and try to set up a time to get together. She doesn't call back. I give energy to trying to figure out why. I pray for a friend's child with complete furver one second and wonder if God even exists the next second. I wish Eva would hurry up and get home from school, and in the next breath hope she takes her time because she's just so much work.
And I celebrate it. I don't wish I could control the little things or the big things inside myself anymore.
But now I wish to also become someone who celebrates the literal chaos in my home. So I'm doing a little self-therapy....Here's a picture of my kitchen today...
God, help me to see the beautiful child on the floor. Help me to see the coat on the table and be grateful that my kids have coats. Help me to see the baby swing and think not that it needs to be put back in the play room, but instead think that I'm so extremely lucky to have a baby to put in it. Help me to see the windows and be grateful that sun shines through them instead of wishing I felt like cleaning them.
Help me to embrace and celebrate the chaos that is my life! And let me every day give birth to a dancing star!!