Lent. Indeed.

Ok.

You know how I love Lent.  It has it's own category over there  ------------------------>

But I oh so clearly told my spiritual director that I was not going to "do Lent" this year.  I didn't have it within myself.  I was too tired, already too aware of the shadow side, very much up in my head. Definitely already surrendered.  You know how I was hating winter - on my insides and in my backyard.  And there was no need for more of that. 

Well, Lent did me.

Sure, there were pockets of greatness. 

Like my sister's family being here for 6 weeks...

And Easter pretzel making...

And a date with this guy...

And chocolates from a friend.  And coffee from another friend (that was consumed on contact of course.  No time for pics.)...

And Easter-egg dying with family...

And still.  This whole Easter weekend was one giant metaphor for the fact that I am made of dust.  I'm fickle in a pent-up kind of way, and prone to trample all over the best laid plans.  I put on my fun-mom pants and 20 minutes later, I'm selling my children at the neighbor's garage sale. 

All weekend, stupid stuff went wrong and the universe was silent when I begged for mercy.

Eva Rain is one heaping helping of Hard To Parent.  She's a great kid, and would no doubt say we are Hard to Kid. I don't talk about it a lot on this space, mostly because it's too public.  Plenty of you are people I've never met, but some of you see my daughter nearly every week.  It's just not fair to her for me to complain about our trials.  But the truth is that the things we struggle with are very much a part of my daily reality and it affects evvvvverything, including and especially River and Sage's behavior.  It hijacks my mood.  I try to be a grown-up and say I'm immune to it, bigger than it, push through it.  But truthfully the pity-party on my insides is at epic proportions.

So there was that.  And there was a full moon.  And there were other things like miscommunications with extended family, long hours at work, an extremely grouchy family day when Ryan finally had a day off, and a totally trashed-out house.  And then there were things like Eva and Sage setting up a tattoo parlor on the back bench at church on Easter Sunday while I was up front leading singing.  I shit you not.  Permanent markers and all.

And because I don't choose the music (big thank you to those that do - really, I don't want that job!), but I take the lead vocals with the worship team and am the one doing the speaking, I had to stand up front and lead a couple of songs that make me uncomfortable because they were all about "the blood of Jesus".  Usually, I'm so happy to be part of this great community of Jesus-lovers that I don't mind some theological differences and can authentically lead the music.  But this Sunday felt different.  I get it that he died and it's part of our story.  But for the life of me, I can't understand why Christians like to sing upbeat tunes with lyrics like "oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow".  I love that man.  I hate it that he died.  I'm sad that humanity - because it didn't understand what a rockstar servant he was - killed him.  It doesn't make me happy to think about it.  I also don't believe that God requires a blood sacrifice from anyone - especially His Son - to grant any one of the trillions of incredible humans he has created access to God.  It does not work that way.  God is just too big for that.  I love the resurrection concept.  That nothing - even death - can contain Jesus.  That we get a new chance every moment to resurrect in life, in our relationships, in our breath, that which is new and life-giving.  That which is generosity and love.  That's what I wanted to be singing about.

And on this side of Lent, that is my song.

I'll leave you with this video....Sage wanted me to record her saying an Easter message of "He is risen indeed" like they do at church...only doing it the Sage way, not so much the church way.  You'll see... 

But of course there was a sibling-scrap in the middle of it.
Because there is truly no Easy Button ever ever ever with children.  At least not mine.  Ever.
Shit will continue to hit the fan in this chaos of a home. 
People will continue to fight. 
I will continue to be exhausted. 
But. 
The lights are down and the doors closed on Lent.  Also on this pity party.  Spring has sprung and life all around is being resurrected.  I'll be darned if I stand by and watch all that beauty and don't dive Right On IN!

Join me!  He has risen indeed!

3 days of E

Here were the goals:

dye eggs

sleep in

make easter wagons

make pretzels

not scream at each other

go to the Good Friday Service

go to the Sunrise Service

egg hunt

sing the Hallelujah Chorus at church

eat chocolate bunnies

take naps

be a family

We did most of them!  And the ones that didn't happen quite like they were supposed to, well they didn't matter anyway.

I wish I could say that our gluten-free pretzel recipe is great but its really not.  I threw out the recipe and we will try something else next year.  Eva didn't complain about it though.  Such a trooper.  For the regular recipe, click here:  soft pretzels.

And today, on the other side of Lent, I feel like I can breathe deeply again.  I don't know if its the Lentness of those 40 days, or that its winter breaking into spring, or its my church job, or just because - but Lent always kicks my butt.  I weirdly invite it to.  I like it, and come back every year for more.  But I'm oh so happy to be through it too.  Oh so happy.  Even flew a kite today to celebrate.  For real!

carbonation

Sage has a doll that we named Creepy Baby because she looks psycho and has this hilariously loud laugh that goes off if you so much as touch her.  I really should dig it out and take a picture to show you, but in a fit, I stuffed it in some far corner of the basement that I can't remember.

Anne Lamott says, "One of the secrets of life is that laughter is carbonated holiness."

All day long River and Sage have been doing obnoxious things like squirting water in places and hiding under blankets and dumping their milk in their lunch and talking about farts.  And both have run to the bathroom several times about to pee their pants from their laughter.  Sage sounds exactly like Creepy Baby.

Its like someone took a can of Jolly Goodwill, shook it up, popped it open, and sprayed it around in my soul.

That finding the Holy thing?  Its happening around here.  In the laughter of my twirpy kids.

Holy

Ok.

Dad always knows when Mom gives an off-hand, but definitive, "ok" to no one in particular, that she'll be ready to leave for where-ever they are going in exactly 5 minutes.   What that two-letter word really means is  "Ok.  Get your shoes on, get the engine started, open the door, because people....we are going somewhere!"

And what are we if not something like our own moms?

I do it too.

Ok.
.
.
.
.
.
I was engaged in a conversation about what is holy with someone who knows a whole lot more than me about all things God.  But he used the word holy as an opposite to the word love.  And the basic take-away was that we dare not lose sight of the holiness of God because we are sinners and God is not happy with that and WE WILL PAY.

Hot mess.

That is antiquated.  Remember this post?  And this one?  To summarize: "All things are inventions of holiness.  Some more rascally than others." (Mary Oliver)  I don't know much about much lately - especially about church and religion and my denomination and my place in it all.  But I know know k.n.o.w. that the God who resides in my soul and gives me breath is pure holy love.  Of course you can't see that pure awesomeness when I'm - gasp - yelling at my children or gossiping with my friends or all those other shit things I do -  that are nothing but lazy excuses for being my best, truest, kindest self.  I am broken.  I am self-indulgent.  But God is so beautifully holy.  And when I return to my truest ME, and when I look into your truest YOU, there I see all three synonyms....Holy, God, Love.

I received the ashes on my forehead as they spoke these words:

"Tonya, you are dust.  And to dust you shall return."

Thank God for my mortality.  But I so love this life and this skin I'm in.  I don't want to be dust just yet. I've grown accustomed to things stirring around on my insides during Lent.  (see the tab)  As the 40 days begin again, I'm throwing it out there to the universe that I'm seeking the Holy.  I want to get simple enough to see it, to pare back enough to make the space to have my breath taken away by it.  To have it make my stomach hurt from laughter.  To have it occur to me in the middle of the chaos.  To have it surprise me in the quiet.  To have Holy make itself so tangible that I can't help but dance.

This is the year of going big or going home after-all, right?

Join me?

Ok.

Soft Pretzels

Legend is that monks first invented pretzels because they made their rolls in the shape of arms folded in prayer.  In search of a Lenten tradition that went beyond candy and Easter grass, we started our pretzel making tradition when Eva was born.  Arms folded in prayer.  Yes, that seems to sum up Lent quite well.

Lest you think this holy family of ours has it down, I quizzed Eva before we made them about why we do it, and she said...

"Because Jesus died on the cross and rose again.  And because its leap year."

Ah well, they sure are tasty anyway.

Here's how...

Use a kitchen aid mixer if you can...

1 1/2 c. warm water
1 1/2 Tbsp. active dry yeast
1 Tbsp. brown sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
4 c. flour
kosher salt or sea salt (for topping)
4 Tbsp. melted butter (for topping)

Pour the warm water into the mixer and combine it with the yeast and brown sugar.  Let it sit and wake up for 5 minutes.  Mix in the salt and 2 c. flour.  Gradually mix in the remaining flour.  Knead for 5 minutes or so.  Let it sit in a warm spot and rise for an hour or so.  Divide the dough into 8 balls and let it rise for 5 minutes longer.  Make it into 8 ropes and form those ropes into pretzel shapes.  Brush it with a mixture of 1/2 c. water and a dash of sugar (to make the salt stick).  Sprinkle salt over the top.  Bake for 12ish minutes at 350 degrees.  Immediately after you remove them from the oven, brush them with the melted butter.

Mara, Adam, and Libby got in on the fun

They swell to about 3 times this size.  

Happy pretzel making!  And happy leap year!

40 days

So awhile back I eluded to the fact that Ryan and I are working through some big life stuff.  We've been consumed the last month trying to decide if I should go back to teaching in the fall.  The Ides of February reminded us of just how tight our budget is, and how little wiggle room there is for emergencies.  Simultaneously, two junior high language arts jobs opened up at Ryan's school.  And River was in fine form all month - not acting at all like the little man of privilege that he is to get to have a mama home most of the time.

Its been fitting that this all transpired in the season of Lent.  I don't "give up" things for Lent.  I've tried it before and it seems like a contrived new rule to add to life for 40 days.  Rules and I are not friends.  I've sometimes added something instead - like a daily bible reading, act of generosity, etc.  Also seemed empty and weird and contrived.  Someone recently said that its their habit to repair a relationship or give a friendship extra effort during this season.  I pondered that idea, but don't have it in me at the moment.  

But here we are, in Lent, and we've been actively pursuing what God might have for us, lamenting our situation, and holding back from excess in our lives - all in pursuit of what might be best for our family.  But that's really no surprise.  Its the poetry of life and faith and the God and breathe and Spirit in us...the Holy at work...of course this big pondering in our lives falls in these 40 days.  Of course it does.  Because that's how God moves in me.  I can count on it as sure as I can count on not sleeping well when there's a full moon, and losing a sock every time the laundry is done, and Ryan making coffee before work in the morning, and Dad sending roses on Valentine's Day.  Its that sure.  That God will move in me and shake my core just enough to remind me that I'm not on my own.  That I don't have things figured out.  That this earth is spinning on something so much bigger than a whim.

I've been subdued, mellow, sometimes wallowing in my own lack of discernment, sometimes grateful for lack of clarity.  But I also do love some excitement in life, and this big decision has provided some extended, low-key excitement in our souls.

So I'm not going back to teaching.  We decided that I WOULD, and then let it marinate.  We felt sour and just couldn't nail that decision down.  So we eventually decided that I wouldn't, let it simmer, and it felt better by the day.  I know at my deepest core that there is not a right and wrong decision.  But it does seem that there is one that will make the priorities we've set a bit easier to maintain.

I will have mom-guilt if I teach full-time.  And I'll have mom-guilt if I don't.  That disease that invades our home and my mind is inevitable.  But this decision to stick it out as we are, accept help from my parents, continue to penny pinch, and just plain find joy in our already perfect life is good.  Its a good decision.  And I can feel it.  As if I needed confirmation today, a friend mentioned another enticing teaching opening.  And I got to say "no".  And it felt right.  As right as a "there is no right answer here" decision can be.

I'm thrilled out of my mind to not be leaving River and this little lady all day every day...

She is so quick and quiet and determined.  More than her big sister and brother.

Found the snack drawer and chewed through the snacks like a little mouse.

I found her here behind the couch.  She had opened the legos and torn apart the artwork she somehow got down from a very high bulletin board.  No wonder I got to drink my coffee and put on makeup and get dressed without interruption.  We were both quite busy ladies.

"Maybe if I hide behind this book, Mom won't know it was me that pulled all the cds onto the floor."

The tupperware cupboard is apparently boring if just investigated the usual way, so she squeezed herself into it to keep things interesting.

She gets into evvvvvvverything.  Today she opened the fireplace doors.  I didn't even know how to open them myself.  This was how I found her sleeping last week, as if she had fallen asleep mid-crawl....

Its like the side of the pack-n-play was holding her in.  She hit a wall and fell asleep, contented instead of fighting her way out.

Maybe that's how Ryan and I are now too.  

Contented.  

Knowing that what we have is oh - so - very - very - good.  So we'll settle back in and stay awhile.

Lent and Life

Life is feeling crazy hectic right now.  Lent began this week, and as Worship Coordinator at our church, it is my busiest week of the year.  Getting our unique worship for this season off and running is no small task.  The bonus to my job is that planning the worship makes me better aware of the church calendar and what our worship and traditions can mean in my own spirit.  I do feel like I'm in Lent right now....seeking, trying, thinking, planning, reflecting, hoping, waiting....it all fits what's stirring around inside me and inside our family.

On top of all the hours at work and the hours up in my brain, I'm taking classes for 14 hours every weekend for a month to renew my teacher certification.  Have you thanked your child's teacher recently?  Go thank them.  Now.  We put in so much of our personal time and money - thousands of hours and thousands of dollars - to teach those kiddos.  Even though I'm not in the classroom right now, I still have to do it.  But that's a soapbox for another day.  Mostly.

So go check out our nanny's blog...1, 2, Buckle My Shoe.  She had time to post a few pics of how the two Littles spent time this week.  We love you, JoJo!  Especially during weeks like this one!