this gig

"Time, and showing up, turn most messes to compost, and something surprising may grow."

A few of you extremely nice people have asked where I've gone and hid myself....since this blog has gone MIA for the last bit.

The truth of it is simple:

I do not have my shit together enough to do this grown-up gig.

I'm seriously underqualified and underfunded and understaffed for the chaos that has overtaken this Weaver street abode.  No bones broken, no house fires, marriage still intact, supper still on the table (we are SO counting espinaca dip as supper, supper, and supper), and world still spinning.

There is a newly crumpled mini-van hood around here somewhere.  But no love lost.  Truly.  Its the other driver's fault and I never pretended to have anything but a functional relationship with that thing anyway.

Its just felt so much more full than usual.

See how I'm carefully avoiding using the word "busy"?  Because that's a choice right?  And I miiiight have posted repeatedly on this space about how much we shouldn't lean on the term or the concept.

Let's just go with full.  And generally underequipped.  And it's Lent, so you know that I'm also far up in my head.

So here's my shout-out to say all is so very well.  There's even pockets of awesomeness.  Like this...

I checked out Plan B from the library because I need Anne to come along lately.  Today I read the compost quote and its so true right?...

Give us time
Keep showing up
Keep on turning the mess
Something surprising - and beautiful - is growing!

Ok, in closing, here.....because if they make you smile like they do me, then Happy Monday one and all!!....

carbonation

Sage has a doll that we named Creepy Baby because she looks psycho and has this hilariously loud laugh that goes off if you so much as touch her.  I really should dig it out and take a picture to show you, but in a fit, I stuffed it in some far corner of the basement that I can't remember.

Anne Lamott says, "One of the secrets of life is that laughter is carbonated holiness."

All day long River and Sage have been doing obnoxious things like squirting water in places and hiding under blankets and dumping their milk in their lunch and talking about farts.  And both have run to the bathroom several times about to pee their pants from their laughter.  Sage sounds exactly like Creepy Baby.

Its like someone took a can of Jolly Goodwill, shook it up, popped it open, and sprayed it around in my soul.

That finding the Holy thing?  Its happening around here.  In the laughter of my twirpy kids.

10 on the 10th

Its not the 10th anymore.  But it was two days ago.  

Fact: I am late always.

Life is as full as ever, but I'm somehow managing to keep it simple on my insides.  Lent is in our living, and the Holy is finding us.

My cup runneth over...

Holy

Ok.

Dad always knows when Mom gives an off-hand, but definitive, "ok" to no one in particular, that she'll be ready to leave for where-ever they are going in exactly 5 minutes.   What that two-letter word really means is  "Ok.  Get your shoes on, get the engine started, open the door, because people....we are going somewhere!"

And what are we if not something like our own moms?

I do it too.

Ok.
.
.
.
.
.
I was engaged in a conversation about what is holy with someone who knows a whole lot more than me about all things God.  But he used the word holy as an opposite to the word love.  And the basic take-away was that we dare not lose sight of the holiness of God because we are sinners and God is not happy with that and WE WILL PAY.

Hot mess.

That is antiquated.  Remember this post?  And this one?  To summarize: "All things are inventions of holiness.  Some more rascally than others." (Mary Oliver)  I don't know much about much lately - especially about church and religion and my denomination and my place in it all.  But I know know k.n.o.w. that the God who resides in my soul and gives me breath is pure holy love.  Of course you can't see that pure awesomeness when I'm - gasp - yelling at my children or gossiping with my friends or all those other shit things I do -  that are nothing but lazy excuses for being my best, truest, kindest self.  I am broken.  I am self-indulgent.  But God is so beautifully holy.  And when I return to my truest ME, and when I look into your truest YOU, there I see all three synonyms....Holy, God, Love.

I received the ashes on my forehead as they spoke these words:

"Tonya, you are dust.  And to dust you shall return."

Thank God for my mortality.  But I so love this life and this skin I'm in.  I don't want to be dust just yet. I've grown accustomed to things stirring around on my insides during Lent.  (see the tab)  As the 40 days begin again, I'm throwing it out there to the universe that I'm seeking the Holy.  I want to get simple enough to see it, to pare back enough to make the space to have my breath taken away by it.  To have it make my stomach hurt from laughter.  To have it occur to me in the middle of the chaos.  To have it surprise me in the quiet.  To have Holy make itself so tangible that I can't help but dance.

This is the year of going big or going home after-all, right?

Join me?

Ok.

gluten free chocolate cupcakes

Ok.  Best chocolate cupcakes ever.  And they are gluten-freeeeeeeeee.  That's me singing it like an opera singer, in the annoying way I do when I am wearing my proud-mom-pants.

I made them for both girls' birthdays, and took the recipe from this blog:  Sarah Bakes

1 c. milk (I used 2%)

1 tsp. apple cider vinegar

2 eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

1/2 c. oil

2 c. gluten-free flour (see here)

1 1/2 c. sugar

3/4 c. cocoa powder

2 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. salt

1 c. hot fresh brewed coffee (I used Starbucks Sumatra)

Use your kitchenaid mixer - paddle attachment.  Combine the wet ingredients (except the coffee) in the mixer.  In a separate bowl, sift together the dry ingredients.  (I always used to skip the sifting thing because the sound it makes makes me want to eat my hair.  But really, we should sift.  Because there are lots of little rocks of cocoa powder that need to be sifted.  Facts, girls.)  Add the flour mixture to the wet ingredients and mix.  Slowly pour in the coffee, mixing as you pour.  

Pour into cupcake liners and bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. 

3

So, this happened....

Sweet little McCage is the big 3.  

While trying to ignore my screaming uterus, I have assembled a list of things the little lady teaches me...

1.  naps are awesome.

2.  dancing makes the world go round.

3.  anything can be fancy.  cucumbers, pinky toes, and especially strong girls.

4.  start every day with a fruit shake.

5.  if you're quiet and subtle, you can get your sneaky self into nearly anything.

6.  Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

7.  skip wearing panties. 

8.  when you find a favorite pair of shoes, stick with them.

9.  share.

10.  say I love you with abandon.  blow kisses too.  it makes friends out of strangers.

11.  swimsuits are appropriate winter wear.

12.  eat just the frosting.  lots of frosting.