What will today bring?

This picture has nothing to do with this post.  But posts are better with pictures, right?
So yesterday was hilarious and ridiculous and ordinary and perfect and frantic and normal and exhausting...

Let's just fast forward to 5 pm...

5ish...at the subway drive through listening to Sage scream, and waiting on them to make our sandwiches.  Did you know that at the Newton Subway, they literally make the sandwich while you order it?  That is the worst idea ever.  Its easy to be patient when you're standing in the store watching them.  But from your car, it feels like they must be butchering the pig, raising the dough, and growing the tomatoes while you wait.  Maybe its worse when your baby is screaming.

5:30ish...at the park in Newton.  Trying to nurse Sage in public.  Very very challenging for numerous reasons including that my boobs are so small I need about 4 hands to make it work.  Forget doing it under a blanket.

6:00ish...Eva is pulling a screeeeeeeeeeeaming River from the baby swing.  He was IN the baby swing in the first place because he would fall out of a normal swing when Eva gave him under-dogs.  But a bee decided that my sweet boy is just as sweet as I always say he is, and was swarming his head.  He f.r.e.a.k.e.d. out.  I've never ever seen him get so crazy.  Screaming, crying, shaking, practically convulsing.  Is there a phobia name for "fear of bees?"  The damn insect followed me - holding a convulsing River - all over the park.  So finally we all sprinted to the van.  People were laughing out loud at us.  They really were.  I was laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants by the time I got us all buckled in.

6:30ish...All four of us at Dillons.  This doesn't work particularly well because River would still do best being IN the cart, but there's not room for a carseat with Sage, groceries, and him.  So he gets the raw end of the deal and has to walk but not touch anything.  When we arrived, Eva and I had to pee (funny how she HAAAAAAD to go at the park, but when we got into a real bathroom, it was gone.  I think she was just hoping I would let her pee on a tree at the park).  So I pushed the cart into the bathroom.  No easy feat.  While shopping, I devised a new game when I forgot something and didn't want to parade back to it.  Its called "all hands on the cart and count out loud to see how long it takes mama to sprint two aisles over and back again".  It works very very well.  One time they got to 100, but one time they only got to 5.  I see no need to go to the gym tonight.

Check-out was a challenge because I was using 3 WIC checks, plus my own debit card to pay for them. We qualify for WIC now that we're a family of 5.  The checks provide free formula, bread, cereal, milk, peanut butter, and a few other staples.  When we qualified for it a few years ago, I was embarrassed to admit it.  But this time I feel pretty great about it.  That is helped in no small part by the fact that I know other rock stars that are on it too.  All that to say that I had to organize my groceries very very well on the counter and then took about 6 years to ring them up and pay for them.  I think the kids more than earned the quarter I gave them for the gumball machine on the way out.

7:30ish...All four of us chase Long-Neck (a chicken) back into the coup.  When done, Eva and River resumed their "cooking show" with leaves and grass and flowers on the deck while I walked through the garden and tried to stay awake - I missed my afternoon coffee.

3:00 am ish...Help Ryan and River get in and out of the shower because River has croup and cannot stop coughing.  A hot steam shower seems to be the thing that will help.  Neither guy has been back to bed since.

Now the sun has risen, Kate and William are married, River is watching Max and Ruby, and Eva is getting dressed.  What will today bring?

Chaos

"One must still have chaos in oneself in order to 
give birth to a dancing star." 
~Nietzche

So reads the magnet on my fridge.  I've looked at it almost every day for the past 5 years.  I picked up the magnet at Border's at a time when I could feel myself striving for control at every turn.  I fought to be in total command of my emotions, my circumstances, and my thoughts at all times.  And I hated it.  I picked up the magnet and stuck it in the middle of my fridge, and thought of it as my mantra.  I wanted to evolve into someone who was okay with the madness of everyday life.  To be someone who not only embraced a lack of emotional control, but to actually celebrate it.  

I can - with much gratitude - say that I have arrived.  I often feel like my insides are in chaos.  I listen to NPR in the morning and in one minute, feel total angst about the news of another disaster in the middle east, and in the next minute feel uplifted in hearing about a new scientific study that will improve many lives.  I play "trucks" with River and fall in love with his sweet sense of humor.  Then I see how he runs pigeon-toed and feel guilty that I've failed to do the stretches that would help his hips loosen.  I tell myself I will eat just this one brownie because gosh-darnit I've earned it.  Then I tell myself I will get a gym membership.  Tomorrow.  I call a friend and try to set up a time to get together.  She doesn't call back.  I give energy to trying to figure out why.  I pray for a friend's child with complete furver one second and wonder if God even exists the next second.  I wish Eva would hurry up and get home from school, and in the next breath hope she takes her time because she's just so much work.

And I celebrate it.  I don't wish I could control the little things or the big things inside myself anymore.

But now I wish to also become someone who celebrates the literal chaos in my home.  So I'm doing a little self-therapy....Here's a picture of my kitchen today...



God, help me to see the beautiful child on the floor.  Help me to see the coat on the table and be grateful that my kids have coats.  Help me to see the baby swing and think not that it needs to be put back in the play room, but instead think that I'm so extremely lucky to have a baby to put in it.  Help me to see the windows and be grateful that sun shines through them instead of wishing I felt like cleaning them. 

Help me to embrace and celebrate the chaos that is my life!  And let me every day give birth to a dancing star!!

Stutzman's

We spent Friday night at Stutzman's Retreat Center with the Koontz Family...

Much fun was had by all - walks around the pond, campfire with s'mores and singing, stone skipping, breakfast burritos, scavenger hunt, duck-duck-goose, drop the hankie, sleeping in the loft, soccer - and the grown-ups actually got some good conversation scattered in there!

The kids played "house" a lot, and we heard ourselves in their play...

"You're six years old.  You should know better."
"Come here, young man."
"Its okay, honey, you'll be able to fall asleep soon."
"Whew.  What a busy day this has been.  I haven't had a second to myself."
"I know you want to play, but you must clear your plate first."
"Hello husband, welcome home."
"You will sit there until you decide to act respectful."

Esther read stories before bed in the loft.  All five kids sat reasonably still for about 10 minutes.  A record.
Anne Marie and River...breakfast burritos!
The ever-dapper bow-tied Simon.
The wise John Mark.
Can you spot the overgrown kid?
John Mark planned to OWN the scavenger hunt.
My favorite man and his girlie.
Scavenger hunt...the binky brought good luck.

Spinach Tortellini Soup


Megan made this soup when she was here and its my new fave.  Super easy and pretty healthy.  I make half a recipe for our family and still have leftovers.  This summer, we'll be able to make it completely from our garden...

1 Tbsp. crushed garlic
olive oil
2 large cans of diced tomatoes
2 large cans of water
1 small can of tomato paste
1 beef bullion cube
dash of sugar
1 large package of cheese tortellini
2 c. fresh spinach, chopped
handful of fresh basil and oregano, chopped

Saute garlic in olive oil.  Add tomatoes, water, paste, bullion, and sugar.  Cover and stew for 30 minutes.  Add tortellini, spinach, and herbs.  Bring to a boil and stew for 7-9 minutes or until tortellini is done.  Serve immediately.  YUM.

From Egg to Chicken

"Patience makes the now a little bit roomier." 
~ Anne Lamott

From Egg to Chicken by Eva Bartel

The chick is hatching.

The chick will hatch
The chick is almost hatched.

The chick has hatched.

My "take-away" this Easter season is that all things happen in time.  
When I slow and think more patiently, my "now" really does feel roomier!  
This chick will eventually hatch.


Make My Day

Let me tell you why my day was so awesome...

River's first day in big boy underwear.  I accidentally called them "panties" twice and was twice corrected.  The score at bedtime was 33 pees in the potty and 6 pees in the pants.  I say that's a Win.


 
Have you ever seen anything so beautiful!?  Heidi Buller, who has to give her baby formula right now, gave me her breastmilk!!  Oh my word its amazing that anyone can get this out of their body.  I stand in awe.  And gratitude that people share and I can give it to my baby!


 
We found the remote!!!!  I haven't been able to record anything for the last month, which means essentially no TV at all.  Now I can go back to taping Oprah and Grey's and Survivor and watching them during the 3 am feeding.  There isn't enough space here to say how happy that makes me.  I guess you can probably tell by my face.  We found the remote shoved inside our fold-out camping table in the basement.  The only explanation for this is Prego Braino (see my earlier post).


Eva felt like helping with supper so she picked the chives from the garden and cut them for the salad.  I'm thinking tomorrow night she'll make me fondue.  Or at least french toast.


Mom came over and held Sage while we all played outside.  Win-win for all.


This amazing friend fed me with her hilarious texts during my insane day.  Did I mention that River peed over 30 times?!  Thank you Sarah Jane for keeping me alive.


Ahhh...she sleeps.  After being awake from 5:30 am until 7:30 pm.  Not exaggerating.  I love the way her breath smells...is that normal?  

"Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

Prego Braino

Um....we have a problem...

When I was pregnant, I blamed all inadequacies on my "with-child state".  If I forgot to pay a bill, or forgot someone's name, or forgot to wear mascara or forgot my children's names, or forgot how to spell, or forgot to go the speed limit, I blamed it on the fact that all my brain cells had gone straight to my uterus.

Now it seems that such forgetfulness has not only NOT disappeared, it has multiplied.  For starters, I'm finding myself repeating myself repeating myself repeating myself more than my mother.  Which is a lot.  Tonight when I asked River if he's excited to become a big boy and use the potty tomorrow, Eva said, "Mom I believe you already asked him that 3 times."  She was right.  She graciously didn't mention that it had been 3 times in the last 15 minutes.  I guess the good news is that, for me, every time felt like the first time.

But back to the bad news.  Prego Braino must be contagious, because Ryan has caught it.  Tonight he circled our yard twice in the dark looking for his Carhart jacket.  It had the checkbook in it, which I need because I have to write a check for Eva's school lunches (which I've forgotten for a consecutive two weeks now).  He couldn't find the jacket anywhere and we decided he had taken it off when working in the front yard.  And surely it had been stolen.  (We also forgot our common sense.)  He picked up his phone to call the bank.  Then he remembered that he took it off in the church kitchen when he was getting ice on Saturday.  And forgot it there.  Whew.

But he also can't find his debit card.  It was in his pants pocket because he forgot to put it back in his wallet.  Now its gone.  And he can't remember if he took it out of his pants pocket.  Or what pants he was wearing.

Yesterday (or maybe it was today?) I actually called Sage "Whats-Her-Name".

When River starts potty-training tomorrow, I will consider the day a success if I remember: #1 - I have a son.  #2 - He's not wearing a diaper.  Wish me luck.

Today

* River has said 4 times in the last week, "I want to potty train, Mom."  Dang it.  Does that mean I have to get down to business and do it?!

* Eva said that sucking on this mango was "like sucking on God's love".  Exactly.  I think God's love does indeed taste like mango.

* Our indoor sandbox...a box of beans.  But today it was a boat.


* I have a quote on my bulletin board that says "masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting."  Exactly how I feel.  Apparently Eva agrees.

* So does Sage.

* The mint in our garden is finally ready for brewing tea...its on the stove right now.  Bliss.

* Only 5 days til the weekend.  Also bliss.  Its all about perspective, right?!

Lies



When I was 8, I told my friend Lisa that my mom was pregnant.  She wasn't, but I thought it would be so great if it were true.  Lisa figured it out in about 3 months and asked what happened, so I had to tell another lie about something happening to the baby.

Then when I was 10, I told her that I babysat for 16 kids all by myself at the park.  I also told her that I had my own private helicopter that flew me to my dentist appointments in Iowa.  Yes, I did think that sounded believable.  There were some other lies scattered in those years about things like the size of my allowance and the number of boyfriends I had.

She reminds me of this whenever I get too cocky about what a cool kid I was.

Last night when she was over for our D'Angelo's Pizza date, I ran out to pick up Eva from Wednesday night church.  Our friends stopped me to ask if everything was ok after the accident, and tell me how sorry they were it happened....um...hmmmm....there was no accident.  But Eva told her whole class one whopper of a tale about an accident, ambulance ride, lots of blood, and time in the hospital.

The look on Lisa's face when I got home and told her was priceless.

Let me say that walking alongside my girlie as she wrestles herself into telling the truth is a humbling experience.  She knows how to express her thoughts and feelings in words so well.  Ryan and I said last night that circumstances like this one are why we make communication with our kids our most important priority from the time they're born.  We don't play ball with them or enforce table manners or make them brush their teeth as often as we should, but by golly we make sure they know how to communicate.

I asked if she feels excited when she lies, and Eva said that instead it makes her "worry that my dreams will never come true".  There's a word for that...guilt.  She said that the lies are just inside her and they have to burst out.  So we talked about what she could say instead or how she could come home and tell me the big story and we could celebrate how creative she is.  She said she was so embarrassed that she told the accident story to her whole class.  There's a word for what they'll show her too...grace.

It will all be ok.  She knows its happening and she's working hard on it.  I think she's creative and strong and brave.  I remember walking in her shoes like it was yesterday.  I now recognize clearly that we grown-ups should never underestimate the strength and stamina it takes for children to "learn their lessons".

Breakfast Oaties



I've had these for breakfast every day for the past 2 months...They are filling, healthy, and super tasty.  I have to make them about once a week because the kids like them too, but if you're the only one eating them at your house, you might be able to stretch them for longer.  Refrigerate after a week.





Breakfast Oaties:

3/4 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. butter, softened
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla
4 mashed bananas
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. soda
2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice (or a few dashes of cinnamon and nutmeg)
1 c. flour
2/3 c. whole wheat flour
1/2 c. flax meal
2 c. whole grain oats

Combine the sugar, butter, egg and vanilla.  Mix in the bananas.  Add the salt, soda, and spice.  Mix in the flours, flax, and oats.  Drop by heaping spoonfuls on a greased cookie sheet.  Smush them out with your fingers.  Bake at 375 degrees for 11 minutes.

When cooled, sandwich peanut butter between two cookies.

Spring

Spring is most definitely here!!


At last.  Its here.  But....ok, I promised myself I would only keep a blog if I had the nerve to be 100% honest and real.  And not try to pretend that our life is perfect.  So in the interest of full discloser...

I've had the attitude of a spoiled brat all day.  Ungrateful.  Nervous.  Irritable.  Annoyed.  It started when I was woken up by Eva and River pushing each other and yelling at each other literally 6 inches from my face.  Then my shower was cold.  Then I had to wait about 15 minutes for the coffee to brew when I needed it to be ready 2 hours ago.  The clothes I wanted to wear don't fit yet.  And I could list off about 20 more things that happened or didn't happen and made me want to lock myself in the bathroom and drink.  (Including the fact that I had been looking forward to having Ryan home today and it took him THREE freaking hours to plant onions and beets in his community garden plot.)

But I guess that is the beauty of spring, right?  New life.  More chances.  That everything gets to start fresh tomorrow.  That I can have a grouchy day and then I can get over myself and have a fabulous day tomorrow - or if not tomorrow, then the next day.  The trees and the grass and the flowers and the insects all get the chance to emerge from a winter.  And so do I.  That's grace.

Thank you God for spring!

signs of spring at our house today:

River "asleep" in the "house" he set up in the backyard.
The girls.  Begging Ryan to let them come out into the garden today.  I regret to say that they are no longer vegetarians.  Ryan fed them a mouse today.  I threw up in my mouth.
Eva found 2 worms and promptly made them a home.
watering the carrots 
Our supper...tomato, mozarella, spinach, and red onion on a pizza crust.  YUM.  We make this weekly as soon as "grilling season" begins.

Sage getting her first outdoor nap.  She even got to be barefoot and feel the wind in  her toes!

Whimsy

Here's how I know that Eva is a handful, but one heck of a fun kid:

* She recently came home and unzipped her jacket...and flashed me...she had NO SHIRT on.  I asked where it was, and she said she went in the bathroom before she left school and took it off and put it in her backpack b/c she wanted to surprise me.

* Last night when she was getting in the shower I asked her why her belly button was bright green.  She said her friend Gillian had dared her to go in the bathroom and color in her belly button, so she did it!  I reminded her that she doesn't have to take all dares.  Please pretty please remember that, my girl.

* When we were in the doctor's office this week waiting for the doctor to come in, she randomly turned to me and said, "Mom, do you know why Mr. Rodgers always wears long sleeves?"  "Why?" I asked.  "Because his arms are covered in tattoos."  I have to admit that although I was skeptical, I was convinced for a few minutes until she told me she made it up.

* She sleeps on the couch out on the landing instead of in her own bed because she wants to be closer to River and to monitor the action that might be going on downstairs.


"She lives as if she has a birthright for outrageousness." ~ Anne Lamott

Exquisite

"When God is going to do something wonderful, it starts with something hard.  When God is going to do something exquisite, She starts with an impossibility."
~ Anne Lamott


This is my soulmate.  She's 54 years old, lives in San Francisco, and writes both fiction and nonfiction.  I started reading her books nearly 3 years ago, and have been changed from the inside out.  She is witty, insightful, raw, irreversibly, holy, and above all very very real in every sentence.  I basically see myself as her personal ambassador to the world.  Chances are good that I've begged you in previous conversations to read her books, but just in case...

READ HER BOOKS.  

My Dad recently read Traveling Mercies, and two nights ago got out the book and read pages of it aloud at the dinner table.  (If you need more convincing to pick up her books: He has his ph.D. in communication and rhetoric!)  I was so excited I nearly came out of my body.  It was like two of my favorite worlds colliding.....Lamott's rhetoric and Dad's voice and appreciation of literature.  And I found out he reads books like I do - he turns down the page corners of places he likes just like me.  Could that be genetic?  I think so.