TMI FAQ

Ummmm.....McHottie, do you read my blog?

Because today at my follow-up appointment, you were clean-shaven - like you read what I said.  And you totally seemed to get my jokes about the paper shorts.  And you took your time with your wandering wand, like you were daring me to say something about it.  Hmmmmm.  Well, I'm onto you, mister.

Surely not, right?  I mean, RIGHT?!  Because that would be extremely embarrassing.  Well, considering that he saw the Treasure Map before he ripped it out piece by piece, and also the stretched out polka dot panties, nothing should embarrass me anymore.  Still.  I hope he doesn't read it.

Ok.  You know how women are....no one admits to having any sort of anything Not Great.  And then when one of us admits to the Not Great Thing, everyone comes rushing out of the closet, interrupting each other and tripping over themselves with relief that they are not the only one with the Not Great Thing and they can't wait to talk about it and how their cousin has it too and what do you do about it and tell me exactly where yours is and pretty soon we all feel such relief that we are not alone in our Not Great Things that we admit to a small mountain of other Not Great Things.

Such is apparently the case with the veins in our legs.  So because you're asking, here's the telling...

1.  I got all my procedures done by Dr. Oberhelmen at Kansas Surgical Arts in Wichita.  And McHottie (ok, fine, his name is Brandon) is the sonogram technician.  I highly recommend that office.

2.  My symptoms were heaviness and pain in my legs - especially the left one.  It felt very much like growing pains, and would get worse as the day wore on, to the point where I was putting heat on my leg nearly every night when I went to bed.  I didn't know how heavy they were until after I had these procedures and now I realize that your legs are not supposed to feel like your veins are full of led.  It all started with my first pregnancy and got worse with each one after.

3.  Insurance covered all but four office visit copays of $40.  To qualify for this, I had to wear the tights for 3 months (which I did when I was pregnant), and measurements - taken by sonogram - had to prove that my veins were insufficient.

3.  I had 4 procedures...
- A VNUS Closure done by catheter in both legs - where a catheter is threaded up the vein  - from knee to groin and is slowly removed, burning the vein as it goes, closing off the vein and rerouting the blood to the deep vein.  They do each leg separately.  So that's two procedures.  Here's a youtube video of it.  Its gross, so unless you're my cousin Lisa, you probably don't want to watch it: VNUS Closure
- A vein closure done by injections in both legs - where chemicals are injected into veins ankle to knee to shut them down.
- Those three things were done on veins that I can't see, but were apparently insufficient and responsible for my symptoms.
- And a phlebectomy, where little incisions were made and an ugly vein was removed from the back of my thigh.

4.  There were 11 office visits total....One to determine treatment, 4 procedures, 5 sonograms, and 1 follow-up.

5.  I had to wear the tights for 3 weeks after each procedure.  Still wearing them from the last one!

I think that's it.  I totally recommend doing this!

And ok, fine....because photos make every post better....

Oh my word he is more than worth it!!!!!!!

TMI #5

You missed it didn't you?

Too Much Information, that is.

Well, I'm not one to disappoint...

If you're new here, click on the TMI label over there -------------------------------->

Today was injections in my calves and behind my knee - because when they did the burning-laser-whatever-that-was back in September, they couldn't go that low because the veins weren't big enough.  

No sedatives or numbing agents this time.  Just good old shots, injecting chemicals.  I lost count at 30.  I think there were 40ish?  It hurt.  Lots.  I feel super tough that I only said ouch once.  And I didn't cry. I did discover that I can go 30 minutes without breathing except maybe twice.

Let's play High-Low....

HIGH - 

No paper shorts this time.  I wore a short skirt and they just hiked it up.  And bonus, I remembered pretty panties!

HIGH - 

McHottie was still there with his wandering wand.  I feel like we're going to go ahead and clock that as a High.  He had too much facial hair this time, but because I didn't see it until I was walking out the door and he took off his mask, still a high.

LOW - 

About 5 minutes in, the surgeon - holding the syringe midair - gave me a quick commercial for her newest surgical specialty:

"I just returned from an amazing fellowship in Georgia and if you have any friends (read: YOU, not 'your friends') that are at the age where they are needing breast augmentation, tummy tucks, butt augmentation, face lifts, all that, I'll be offering some really reasonable prices.  Just have them give me a call.  You know, I first got in this business to help people............."

That's where I stopped listening because I wanted to kick her in the face and as I contemplated this, I noticed that her face DID NOT MOVE when she talked.  And I couldn't find a single wrinkle.  But I am 99% sure she is over 50.  I just feel like this is an all-around Low for womankind.

HIGH - 

When we were done, McHottie said something about having some medicine left in his syringe and liking me an awful lot and why let it go to waste and let's just take care of some of those spider veins.  So he gave me about 10 more injections in my thigh.  Being the good bargain hunter I am, I casually mentioned the matching ones in my other thigh, but alas he was out of meds.  So on a good day, I'll show you both thighs.  On a bad day, I'll only be exposing my left.  But hey, one's always better than none!

LOW - 

This wrap.  On both legs this time. 48 hours of gimping around.  

DOUBLE LOW - 

2 weeks of tights.  I don't know where I was when they told me this in my pre-op appointment because I so did not plan for it.  We have swimming lessons and grown-up parties to go to.  And mostly I just didn't mentally prepare for being bound and constricted Mormon-style for the next forever.

HIGH - 

Maxi skirts are still in style, praise the Lord!!!!!!!!

I drove in the driveway afterwards (yes drove, 45 minutes home, how I don't really know) and was greeted at the car door by Buzz, and I was super excited to impress him with my toughness...

Me: Guess how many shots I got?

Riv: A million!!!

Me: Not quite.

Riv: Am I close?

Me: No not really.

Riv: Do I need to go up or down?

Me: Down.

Riv: 2 notches?

Me: No.  Lots more.  

Riv:..................

Me: I think I got 35 shots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riv: Mom!!!      (and he runs off, unimpressed.  Well, sorry son, but could you start with maybe 10 next time instead of a million?)

And now I'm off to my Lortab sleep.  Hopefully this is the last TMI installment for all time.  But I can't make any promises, seeing as how I'm embarking on two weeks of hose.....

TMI #4

I'm beginning to wonder if I might be going to some sort of Scandalous Vein Harvesting Operation to get my legs done.  Signs of this would be....

1.      I haven't seen a "doctor" except in surgery

2.     There are none of those fancy diplomas in frames on the walls that are usually in doctor's offices.  There is however, a collage of fuzzy pictures of the surgeon with her arms around her friends in what appears to be a swamp or some far-away 3rd world country

3.     When I walk in the door, the receptionists greet me by name before I even say hi

4.     I called to be sure I was on the wait list for the phlebectomy (fancy name for We Poke You With Needles And Rip Out Your Ugly Vein Surgery), and was given a tentative appointment for November 17.  I was called back that afternoon and told there was a cancellation and I could have it done this Saturday

5.     They do surgeries on Saturday afternoons

6.     McHottie, who says he is an ultrasound technician, gets to poke me with needles, cut my legs, and sew me up

7.     McHottie even works there

8.     They give out ativan

9.     Although I have cleared this with insurance, I have yet to see a bill

10.     They cut your paper shorts

But you know what?  I don't care how fishy or not fishy that place is, they are nice and they got me in 2 months early!  So I went on Saturday afternoon for the dreaded phlebectomy.  It went something like this...

First, she drew around the ugly vein with a sharpie marker.  One of the more flattering things I have ever seen on my own body.  So flattering, in fact, that I asked them to go get Ryan from the waiting room so he could take a picture of it.  Sorry folks, there's an invisible line of TMI that I won't be crossing, as super gorgeous as that picture is, I'm not posting it here.  She asked what I call it, and when I said "my treasure map," she labelled it.  Gave the surgeons and techs something to laugh at when they got started!

Then, it went something like this...

shots

burning and stretching

more shots

some rocking back and forth of my leg

snipping sounds

shots

McHottie making a joke about my knee becoming a sprinkler (of blood, I'm assuming?)

another shot or two

more snipping

and then the wrap

and then I glanced at the side table.....couldn't help it - the bright red color and my curiousity got the best of me......because I know you've always wondered....veins from your leg look like little slimy translucent worms!

I was extremely nervous this time - a little bit for the pain, but mostly to be awake during something so gross.  But like a c-section, you just lay there and talk to yourself like a beloved mental patient and you make it through.  

There are 23 cuts in my leg because they take it out bit by bit.  So what you see here is about 2 inch thick bandages covering each one, and then a tight ace bandage over it all...

Believe it or not, I'm counting down the hours to the dreadful tights (which I'll wear for another 3 weeks) because this bandage is excruciating.  Like wake-up-in-the-night-crying painful.  Its very very tight.  Not to mention makes my leg twice as big!  Plus, I cannot wait to see what my leg looks like!  They said to expect purple and lumpy (and I paid money for this?!?!).

About an hour after I got home last night, we hosted cardnight - with 5 other couples.  Mom said I was crazy for hosting a 4 course dinner that night, but we had a great time.  The only crazy thing was me trying to drink an Arnold Palmer.  For future reference, do not drink anything when you're on ativan.  Just don't.

So....TMI once again.  I'll do my best to make it through these 24 hours.  You do your best to get that worm image out of your head!  Good luck to us both!

TMI #3

Read TMI #1.
Then read TMI #2.
Then read Pity Party
Then read this....

Ok, still on Ativan so its probably not advisable to post.  But let's just go ahead an ride into the danger zone (that's for you, Top Gun lovers everywhere).

Speaking of guns, McHottie is on probation.  During today's surgery, he brought up the NRA.  Also Rosie O'Donnel and Tom Seleck, which I couldn't quite link all together.  But I understood enough to know that he and I would likely not carry matching signs at our next protest rally.  So, probation.  If he keeps his shallow thoughts to himself on such matters at my Tuesday appointment, I'll consider letting him off.  I'll also be much more lenient if he could stop referring to my crotch as "home."

Today's Great Killing of the Great Sapheneous Vein Leg 2 was much like Leg 1, but more painful.  I asked him to keep hitting me with the numbing shots and finally it was better.  There for awhile at the beginning I was truly nervous that I was going to feel the whole thing.  Now begins The 48 hours of wrapped leg, hobble around, chew Lortab, take advantage of my children's pity.

I also had an appointment on Monday to look at Leg 1.  Let's play Good News/Bad News....

Good news is it looks great.  Its shutting down, all is as it should be.
Bad news is they didn't go low enough on my calf, which means more injections in a month and more wearing of those things we'll not mention today.
Good news is that news prompted me to buy this:

Bad news is I bought it in three colors - that darn free shipping online from Target.  But I figure if I'm going to be wearing those unmentionables all day every day for the next month, it would be plain rude to wear the same three skirts I already have day after day.  People might start to be offended and wonder why I don't give them something more interesting to look at, don't you think?

Alright.  This post has taken me significant effort.  Time to give in to this slump and enjoy the next hour to myself before the nanny leaves!  There's your TMI #3!

pity party

Yesterday I threw a most exquisite pity party.  Complete with potato chips and wine and whining and a bit of real estate on the couch.  My leg hurts.  (Newflash:  I should've expected pain.  A dying vein should hurt.)  But worst of all, these compression hose are ridiculous, just total shit, and strip me of all beauty and hope.  They are hot, tight, and ugly.  That thing that you do - the laying on your back on the bed routine - to get your jeans on?  Amp it up about 6 notches and you have got me trying to put on those horrible things.

But like all parties, that one cannot last forever.  So when I got up this morning, before I put on my pants or poured the coffee, I grabbed the kitchen shears and lobbed off the feet of the hose.  Then I asked google if its safe to wear compression hose without feet, deciding that even if the answer was no, the therapy of those cuts could carry me until the next pity party.

But yay, it IS indeed safe.  And I'm feeling better about life now.  Helped in no small part by looking back at a fewpictures shot in the past few days.  Despite these disgusting hose, life is still remarkably amazing..

 .

Makes a mama proud....when my gimp leg benches me for the nightly dance party, they can carry it all on their own!

I have an addiction to old things.  Also free things.  I found this old, free door on the stage at a local high school, and couldn't help myself...

Life is too short and this girlie is too adorable for pity parties to last!  Plus, I'm out of chips.

TMI #2

You might want to pour yourself something and read TMI #1  first.

Then read this...

Today was the Great Killing of the Great Sapheneus Vein.
In the interest of full disclosure of too much information and the release of all my remaining pride, let's just start with this picture.

Ativan, I love you, but holy cow you put me into a slump.  At the time this photo was taken (4 hours after the Great Killing), my tongue was still huge and when I told Eva to take a picture, it sounded like "falla nico my sunday feeeeel schmeeel."  

You know when they promise you that as soon as you arrive, they'll give you a sedative, you're in for a real treat of a procedure.  Second clue is when they ask your "driver" to sign the paperwork under your name and then hand them the copies instead of you.

Nurse Amy fetched me from the waiting room (still super nice ladies in there, by the way) wearing full body gear - hair net, scrubs, face mask.  We went into a room with two more nurses dressed for a nuclear explosion.  Um, are we expecting a lot of blood or something here?!  (Turns out there wasn't - lots of blood or explosions - just extremely sterile everything.)  McHotty was there as promised, and I'm telling you that Grey's Anatomy is for REAL, people!  He had a scrub cap exactly like McDreamy's.  

I learned my lesson from last time and went in with very very pretty underwear.  Very.  But darn it, Nurse Amy said I had to take them off immediately and replace them with paper shorts, which would soon be cut up to heeeeeeere.  All the better for McHotty and his wandering wand, apparently.  Oh the humiliation. Really, I cannot begin to describe what it is to lay on a table in cut paper shorts, on a sedative, surrounded by people in body armor, being probed all up and down my leg and in my nether-regions by a guy my own age.  I reminded him that this is about my LEG, which he found funny.  I was serious!

It lasted about 20 minutes.  There were lots of shots up and down my leg, an incision, a catheter that burned off some ends or something.  And then at the end, enough ace bandaging to mummify my whole body.  It goes groin (a gross word McHotty said at least 6 times) to toes.  Ryan wrapped some more up my thigh tonight.  On his top-ten list of things to do in his lifetime, I'm sure.

But here's the good news....My leg is enormous in this bandage, and there's pain (and more promised to come during the night).  But it already feels soooooooo much better.  Tonight, I talked to one woman 20 years older than me who had this done.  Her legs look amazing - no vein to be found anywhere.  I talked to someone 30 years older than me who did it too, and hers, well, not so much.  So I'm just going to hope and pray and follow the rules and wear the damn compression hose and tell the universe that this is going to fix it once and for all.  

Next week is the Great Killing of the Great Sapheneus Vein Leg 2.  I'm skipping the pretty underwear and going straight to a wax.  TMI, as promised.

TMI #1

Your official warning.....this might be Too Much Information.  This will probably be TMI.  You don't have to read it.  I won't take it personally.

Ha.  Now I bet you really will read it.  Oooooh what fascinating, gross, personal thing is she going to post?!

All posts are better with pictures, and this one is about legs, so let's start by saying that these maxi skirts from Target are my new obsession.  They are fabulous!!!  My new uniform for all of life.

Ok, here we go...

I've had a vericose vein running down the back of my leg since I got pregnant with the Chachi Band 8 years ago.  It gets bigger and greener and longer and more obvious every time I spin in front of the full length mirror (which isn't that often since the only one is in River's room).  My whole leg hurts like it did when I would wake up in the night with growing pains at age 12.  Both legs feel heavy.

I don't own a single pair of shorts or a skirt that goes above mid-calf because I don't love the way my leg looks.  I do go to the pool and wear a swimsuit with pride.  That feels different somehow...  

Like I'm doing a service to womankind - blowing it wide open that I have cellulite and thickness in places I wish I didn't, just like everyone else.  But guess what?!  I have a big ugly green vein too!  So yay - feel good about yourself in your suit.  At least you don't have that...

And also proving that nothing can keep me from the water I love so much.

Waiting until we're done having children seemed like a reasonable plan, thinking it will continue to get worse with each pregnancy.  But I just can't (and stamp-my-foot-just-don't-want-to) wait any longer.

Today was appointment #2 to get it fixed.  I get to go to a place called Surgical Arts.  So glam!  The people that work there are pretty and they smell good and they treat me like a millionaire.  Today's appointment was for an hour-long ultra-sound on my legs.  Here's how it went.....

I arrived early so I could chat with the pretty ladies up front and sip my Starbucks green tea frappucino. These pretty ladies missed THREE chances - once when I made the appointment, once when they called to remind me of the appointment, and once when I checked in for the appointment - to tell me some VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION...The ultrasound tech happens to be...

my age
super hot
a man

McHotty told me to go change into these blue hospital-grade plastic/paper shorts.  SHORTS?!  Well, I haven't worn those since 2001, but I guess because you asked soooooo nicely.

Then McHotty told me to just make myself at home and get comfortable on the table/chair/thing.  Then he took out a scissors.  Wait, no, you're not really going to, you wouldn't, no, seriously....oh yes you are, you're going to cut my shorts.  All the way up to my hip.

Then surely you're not going to, no, this is about legs, this is not about girly parts, you're not, you wouldn't....oh yes you are, you're going to tuck my shorts into my underwear.  NO ONE TOLD ME TO WEAR PRETTY UNDERWEAR!?!  You know that thing about wear clean pretty underwear in case you're ever in a car accident?  You would think that after 4 car accidents in my life, I would've learned my lesson.  But no.  Not that these were ugly, but they were at least 3 years old.  Faded.  Stretched out.  Polka dots.

Then McHotty proceeds to pour warm gel all over my legs and thighs and ever-so-near my girly parts and rub the probe over them for the next HOUR.  All while talking about back when our high school football teams played each other.  Its like Grey's Anatomy meets a bad porno.

He assured me that he'll be part of every one of the four surgical procedures it will take to fix this.  Grrreeeeeaat.

I've always said that pride was over-rated.  I repeated it aloud in front of the mirror in the changing room before and after the whole debacle.  And I meant it even more after.  We all have things we wish were different about this skin we're in.  I'm going to take care of mine, and because this life is just too short, I'm going to consider myself super lucky to have McHotty along for the ride.

Let's go ahead and name this post TMI #1 because its a sure thing there will be a #2 and #3.  Tune in next week for a brand new episode.