I don't do this rambling thing all that often. But serendipity is our title, after all, and today I was, as Webster says, "tripping over myself in discovery". So get a drink and your heat pack and make yourself comfortable....
This is the picture I snapped of Sage McCage this morning in the bathroom.
I'll get back to it...
Today on NPR, there was first a story citing that in the last year, there have been 400 suicides in Kansas. That 1 of every 10 males who died in Kansas took their own life.
Then there was a story about how the Wichita City Council last night voted 3-2 in favor of giving $5,000,000 of city money to match $4,000,000 in private donations for a new elephant exhibit at the zoo.
I was incensed.
Pissed at humanity. Or the lack there-of.
I truly hate going to the zoo, but only because I'm selfish and would rather go to say, the pool or grandma's house, or the library. The zoo is all walk walk walk walk look there's a tiger napping walk walk walk walk oh there's a penguin splashing walk walk walk walk there's a monkey climbing. All while hot, always hot, and trying not to lose my children.
But cerebrally, I know elephants matter and our zoo rocks. Our 5 ton friends should have a comfortable life.
But so should our humans!
Working in the mental health profession, part of my 9 hour shift is to do a "suicide risk assessment" for my clients. We talk about their stressors, recent elevation in mood, impulsivity, plans to hurt themselves, and mostly just converse about life. They are capital-B-Brave and so raw. I'm lucky lucky lucky to be let into their life for those few hours. They share stories of broken relationships, addictions, mental illness, insecurity, poverty, and grief. On the assessment, no one scores a 0. All share an element of hopelessness. Most can verbally "commit to safety". Some cannot, and are placed on "continuous observation", which only makes life suckier for all involved.
While money doesn't buy happiness, it does buy access to food, counselors, the ability to work a normal 40 hour work-week, shoes (yes, just plain some shoes!!), addiction treatment, medication, doctor visits...
And our national and local funding for mental healthcare is poor. Piss poor. 9 million dollars would go a long way.
Stay with me.......if I didn't already lose you at NPR.....
I went to see my spiritual director and today had no agenda. I said that I have been taking care of everyone else 24/7 and today I'm going to pay her to take care of me. Period. She served me tea, which I don't drink, but at her house I very much drink because she makes it taste like warm happiness. While she rubbed my feet (yes she rubs my feet!!), I told her about the elephants and the dying people and our fucked up world (yes she also says fuck!).
Ever so gently, she brought me around to saying things I know to be true: That death isn't the end. That although I cannot understand it, God may call some people home by their own hand. That in taking care, I am taken care of. That its good to name the care we need. And to insist on it. And she said this:
That when we mamas take care of our children, when we wrap them up tight with our voice and our hugs, we are caring for more than just them. Our arms extend all the way to Syria. When we hold them tight and exercise great compassion, we are saying
enough already. No more suffering under my watch. And while I no more can make elephants happy than buy contentment for someone who is hopeless, I can - and do - every single day - stretch myself for my tiny ones, and there is no limit to my reach. Its my shout-out to humanity. To the cause of Love. Because for my insides, their insides, and the insides of the many people they will meet and important decisions they will make, we are saying:
love is free
God is big
peace is real
joy is now.
Facts.
So this morning....
Sage has been doing this thing where she gets her little white comb wet and slicks her hair back. The wetter and slicker, the fancier. So this morning in my rush to get my coffee down and my face on, she stood on the counter doing her slick-back routine. She wanted me to dry her hair, and fighting the urge to say no or rush through it, I took my time, and my insides vibrated with her sweetness...her sweet little head and how pretty she felt. Her desire for my attention and touch. We did that over and over. Wet, slick, dry, wet, slick, dry, wet, slick, dry.
I haven't ever tried to count how many times in a day I rush through the motions. Or deny my kids a hug or a book or just plain time to look them in the eye. I don't think the number would make me very proud. Its chaos here. Our lives our full. And my brain, which I
swear has limited space, is maxed out. And for the love of all, I am just plain tired and want some space to breathe or at least finish one thing, just one thing! But Carole challenged me today to see this caring for people thing in a new light. To realize that we are doing big, hard, important work. 9 million dollar elephants matter a little. People matter more, especially the hurting ones. And so do we. And we say just that, every time we take the time to exercise compassion with our littles.
So, I suppose I'm challenging you too. Maybe you don't have sticky hands to clean and noses to wipe. Or maybe you do, but they belong to your neighbor or your parents. Consider reframing your view of the care you give. Think how far you reach. I'll do it with you. I'll try at least.
When I first arrived today, Carole gave me some amazing cheese to take home (my beloved cheese...distance does make the heart grow fonder with all things diary!). I've been whining and needy inside, and within five minutes of being there, she literally opened her fridge and fed me. Metaphors everywhere.
So tonight....its my communion....and I am again made new.
