What will today bring?

This picture has nothing to do with this post.  But posts are better with pictures, right?
So yesterday was hilarious and ridiculous and ordinary and perfect and frantic and normal and exhausting...

Let's just fast forward to 5 pm...

5ish...at the subway drive through listening to Sage scream, and waiting on them to make our sandwiches.  Did you know that at the Newton Subway, they literally make the sandwich while you order it?  That is the worst idea ever.  Its easy to be patient when you're standing in the store watching them.  But from your car, it feels like they must be butchering the pig, raising the dough, and growing the tomatoes while you wait.  Maybe its worse when your baby is screaming.

5:30ish...at the park in Newton.  Trying to nurse Sage in public.  Very very challenging for numerous reasons including that my boobs are so small I need about 4 hands to make it work.  Forget doing it under a blanket.

6:00ish...Eva is pulling a screeeeeeeeeeeaming River from the baby swing.  He was IN the baby swing in the first place because he would fall out of a normal swing when Eva gave him under-dogs.  But a bee decided that my sweet boy is just as sweet as I always say he is, and was swarming his head.  He f.r.e.a.k.e.d. out.  I've never ever seen him get so crazy.  Screaming, crying, shaking, practically convulsing.  Is there a phobia name for "fear of bees?"  The damn insect followed me - holding a convulsing River - all over the park.  So finally we all sprinted to the van.  People were laughing out loud at us.  They really were.  I was laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants by the time I got us all buckled in.

6:30ish...All four of us at Dillons.  This doesn't work particularly well because River would still do best being IN the cart, but there's not room for a carseat with Sage, groceries, and him.  So he gets the raw end of the deal and has to walk but not touch anything.  When we arrived, Eva and I had to pee (funny how she HAAAAAAD to go at the park, but when we got into a real bathroom, it was gone.  I think she was just hoping I would let her pee on a tree at the park).  So I pushed the cart into the bathroom.  No easy feat.  While shopping, I devised a new game when I forgot something and didn't want to parade back to it.  Its called "all hands on the cart and count out loud to see how long it takes mama to sprint two aisles over and back again".  It works very very well.  One time they got to 100, but one time they only got to 5.  I see no need to go to the gym tonight.

Check-out was a challenge because I was using 3 WIC checks, plus my own debit card to pay for them. We qualify for WIC now that we're a family of 5.  The checks provide free formula, bread, cereal, milk, peanut butter, and a few other staples.  When we qualified for it a few years ago, I was embarrassed to admit it.  But this time I feel pretty great about it.  That is helped in no small part by the fact that I know other rock stars that are on it too.  All that to say that I had to organize my groceries very very well on the counter and then took about 6 years to ring them up and pay for them.  I think the kids more than earned the quarter I gave them for the gumball machine on the way out.

7:30ish...All four of us chase Long-Neck (a chicken) back into the coup.  When done, Eva and River resumed their "cooking show" with leaves and grass and flowers on the deck while I walked through the garden and tried to stay awake - I missed my afternoon coffee.

3:00 am ish...Help Ryan and River get in and out of the shower because River has croup and cannot stop coughing.  A hot steam shower seems to be the thing that will help.  Neither guy has been back to bed since.

Now the sun has risen, Kate and William are married, River is watching Max and Ruby, and Eva is getting dressed.  What will today bring?

Chaos

"One must still have chaos in oneself in order to 
give birth to a dancing star." 
~Nietzche

So reads the magnet on my fridge.  I've looked at it almost every day for the past 5 years.  I picked up the magnet at Border's at a time when I could feel myself striving for control at every turn.  I fought to be in total command of my emotions, my circumstances, and my thoughts at all times.  And I hated it.  I picked up the magnet and stuck it in the middle of my fridge, and thought of it as my mantra.  I wanted to evolve into someone who was okay with the madness of everyday life.  To be someone who not only embraced a lack of emotional control, but to actually celebrate it.  

I can - with much gratitude - say that I have arrived.  I often feel like my insides are in chaos.  I listen to NPR in the morning and in one minute, feel total angst about the news of another disaster in the middle east, and in the next minute feel uplifted in hearing about a new scientific study that will improve many lives.  I play "trucks" with River and fall in love with his sweet sense of humor.  Then I see how he runs pigeon-toed and feel guilty that I've failed to do the stretches that would help his hips loosen.  I tell myself I will eat just this one brownie because gosh-darnit I've earned it.  Then I tell myself I will get a gym membership.  Tomorrow.  I call a friend and try to set up a time to get together.  She doesn't call back.  I give energy to trying to figure out why.  I pray for a friend's child with complete furver one second and wonder if God even exists the next second.  I wish Eva would hurry up and get home from school, and in the next breath hope she takes her time because she's just so much work.

And I celebrate it.  I don't wish I could control the little things or the big things inside myself anymore.

But now I wish to also become someone who celebrates the literal chaos in my home.  So I'm doing a little self-therapy....Here's a picture of my kitchen today...



God, help me to see the beautiful child on the floor.  Help me to see the coat on the table and be grateful that my kids have coats.  Help me to see the baby swing and think not that it needs to be put back in the play room, but instead think that I'm so extremely lucky to have a baby to put in it.  Help me to see the windows and be grateful that sun shines through them instead of wishing I felt like cleaning them. 

Help me to embrace and celebrate the chaos that is my life!  And let me every day give birth to a dancing star!!

Stutzman's

We spent Friday night at Stutzman's Retreat Center with the Koontz Family...

Much fun was had by all - walks around the pond, campfire with s'mores and singing, stone skipping, breakfast burritos, scavenger hunt, duck-duck-goose, drop the hankie, sleeping in the loft, soccer - and the grown-ups actually got some good conversation scattered in there!

The kids played "house" a lot, and we heard ourselves in their play...

"You're six years old.  You should know better."
"Come here, young man."
"Its okay, honey, you'll be able to fall asleep soon."
"Whew.  What a busy day this has been.  I haven't had a second to myself."
"I know you want to play, but you must clear your plate first."
"Hello husband, welcome home."
"You will sit there until you decide to act respectful."

Esther read stories before bed in the loft.  All five kids sat reasonably still for about 10 minutes.  A record.
Anne Marie and River...breakfast burritos!
The ever-dapper bow-tied Simon.
The wise John Mark.
Can you spot the overgrown kid?
John Mark planned to OWN the scavenger hunt.
My favorite man and his girlie.
Scavenger hunt...the binky brought good luck.